~Creation of a Pussy~ Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their own design. First was a butcher, with a smart wit, and using a knife he gave it a slit. Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel he gave it a hole. Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within. Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without. Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell. Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee, he touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee. Last was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it, and called called it a c***.
~Irishman~ An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.
When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
~Too Much of Everything~ A man was sitting in the bar with a pint of beer, a cigarette and shouting at the top of his voice. He got kicked out so he started making his way home. When he finally gets home his wife says "I'm leaving you" "Why?" said the man "Because you drink, swear and smoke."said the woman "No I don't!" The man started to look round the room and said "Shit, I've left my fucking fags at the pub!"
~There was an Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman.~ Each were sentenced for 20 years down a pit, but were allowed to take one thing with each. So the englishman walks up and says "I know what I'll take 20 years supply of whisky", the scotsman says "Um that sounds like a good idea I'll also have 20 years supply of whisky". The irishman walks up and says "um I'll have 20 years supply of ciggerettes", and so the judge gives them what they want.
20 years later and the englishman stumbles out of the pit and drops dead from alcholic poisoning, the scotsman stubbles out and he to drops dead from alcoholic poisioning. Then the irishman walks out and says "anybody got a light ?"
~Deaf Society~ An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
Well,he explained by rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus, ladies, and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus, gentlemen. So my speech started - Ladies and Gentlemen.
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself Ill go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. Well, he explained by imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying - Dear Ladies and Gentlemen.
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself "Ill go one further than those mainland bastards" and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.
When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. Well, he explained by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest, then my groin and then masturbating, I was starting my speech by saying - Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure.......
~How Did You Die?~ Three men were standing at the Pearly Gates. It had been a particularly busy day so Peter told the first one, "We're just about fullup at the moment so we're only going to admit people who've had particularly horrible deaths. What's your story?"
The first one replies, "Well, I'd suspected my wife of cheating on me, so today I came home early to try and catch her. As I came to my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching couldn't reveal where this other guy could be hiding. So I went out to the balcony and sure enough, there was this bloke hanging off the railing. I was really mad so I started beating and kicking him, but he wouldn't fall off. So I went back to my apartment, got a hammer, and started bashing his fingers. He let go and fell, but he fell in the bushes, stunned but okay. I was so angry I rushed into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge. It landed on him, killing him instantly. My wife, angry that I had killed him, came out to the balcony and shot me to death."
"That sounds like a pretty bad death to me," said St Peter, so he let the man in.
"It's been a very strange day," said the second man. "You see, I live on the 26th floor of an apartment building, and every afternoon I exercise on the balcony. Well today I fell off the balcony, but luckily, I managed to grab the railing of the balcony below. Suddenly, this madman ran out of his apartment and started kicking and beating me. Then he got a hammer and started smashing my fingers. I fell, but landed in the bushes, stunned but unharmed. Then a refridgerator fell out of the sky and landed on me, killing me."
St Peter said, "Wow, you had a horrible death, okay go into Heaven."
The third man said, "Okay, picture this. I'm hiding naked in a refridgerator..."
~Tickle Me Elmo~ A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and thells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 Am, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elomos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee.
She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
~Bank Robbers~ An Englishman, Scottishman and an Irishman rob a bank. After they rob the bank, the police start chasing them down the street. So the three of them go down an alley and they each hide in a sack. The police kick the sack with the Englishman in it and the Englishman goes, "Woof, woof", so the police think it's a dog. They kick the one with the scottishman in it and he goes, "Miaow", and they think it's a cat. Then they kick the sack with the Irishman in it and he goes, "Potatoes"
~Englishman, Frenchman, New Yorker~ A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, 'The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.' The Frenchman says, 'I take ze poison.' The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, 'Vive la France!' and drinks it down. The Englishman says, 'A pistol for me, please.' The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, 'God save the queen!' and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, 'Gimme a fork.' The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, 'What are you doing???' The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, 'So much for your canoe, a**hole!'
DO U HAVE ANY GOOD JOKES U WANT ME TO ADD??LET ME KNOW IN THE MESSAGE BOARD! :D
1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.
5) Hold the doors open and say your saiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an apointment.
9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passnegers, "This is MY personal space!"